


String Theory

by grindeldore27



Category: SKAM (Italy)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Drabble Sequence, M/M, Nicotino - Freeform, POV Multiple, well not completely canon-compliant since its only week 9
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-16 14:41:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16955919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grindeldore27/pseuds/grindeldore27
Summary: The string inside him, connecting him to Nico, is now tearing him apart. What seemed like his lifeline is now the thing that will end him, he's sure of it. The more distance he puts between them, the more painful it becomes, and Marti has to stop at least three times on his way to the train station because going any further feels impossible.But somehow he does it anyway, pulling himself apart in the process.





	String Theory

**Author's Note:**

> sometimes I write chaotic, fragmented things. let me know if you liked it.  
> time stamp: skam italia, week 9. 
> 
> <3

 

Filippo says “we’ll find you someone else to love” and Marti wants to laugh. He looks at his friend, whom he has come to admire so much and consider to be one of the kindest people in the world, and tries to smile. But what he just said makes Martino want to yell at him, at the world, right here from these rooftops. He doesn’t, of course he doesn’t.

_But I don’t want to find anyone else. This is it._

_And it doesn’t matter if he never leaves her. Because I’ll be his, even if he isn’t mine._

It scares him a little, the certainty, the force with which he knows this, knows that everything will always come back to Niccolò. Wanting to be with him will always outlive anything that might try to make it go away or take its place. Martino feels it in his bones. But he also feels defeated today, all the same.

He doesn’t want to start a pointless discussion, and lets it go instead.

 

_____  


 

Martino is aware of the pull, it is there from the very beginning. It only grows stronger with every minute he spends with Nico, with every laugh they share, every stolen look, every little detail he gathers about him.

And once they find their way to each other, Martino discovers that the pull has become like a string, settling in between them, _within_ them, binding them together. They spend a whole day in Nico’s bed and talk about nothing and everything all at once. And Marti feels it, always, it tugs at his heart when Nico smiles and wraps itself around it, tightens every time Nico touches him. Marti thinks it feels warm and strong and full. 

Sometimes he wonders about himself, how he’s never been burdened by thoughts like _This is pointless. You know he’ll never want you the way you want him._ Any such ideas just paled and fell away next to Nico’s brightness, a light that only ever seemed to invite Marti in. Eventually it feels like his source of gravity has shifted, so Marti does the only thing he can and lets himself fall for this boy without hesitation.

He’s not burdened by such thoughts until Nico tells him that they are going too fast, until he _sees them_ _together_ at Covitti’s party, until everything goes to hell in the blink of an eye. And the way the string pulls his heart apart feels like it should kill him.

 

And then Bracciano happens, and it’s _everything_.

Marti wants it to last forever, wants to imprint the image of Nico’s perfect mess of dark hair in the morning light, his voice wrapping Marti up in that song, his beautiful, beautiful smile, the words he says. For a split second, right there in Bracciano, they feel invincible. If only Martino could bottle it all up, he would. He’d put it into his pocket and carry it around with him wherever he goes, checking several times a day just to assure himself that it was still there.

As it turns out, Bracciano has never been real in the first place. None of it was.

 

Because Maddalena is about to take it all away from him. When he meets her in Milano he notices that just looking at her hurts. She had become a placeholder for everything Marti didn't know about Nico. A personified reminder that Nico has a life Marti isn't part of, that Marti might not know him at all. He feels viciously attacked at the implication that what happens to Nico now is none of Marti’s business. They have come here to clean up the mess, and removing Martino from the picture is just part of that.

“I want to see how he is.” Marti says, growing impatient. They can’t just come here and take Niccolò away. Marti belongs to him. Who does she think she is?

Somehow she manages to break him, still. Against all his certainty and all his belonging, against all that makes sense to him, she manages to find his weak spot. Martino is completely blindsided, caught off guard where it hurts the most.

“Do you think he’s in love with you? Know that he’s not. It’s just one of his crazy ideas.”

By the time he has walked to the train station that morning, he feels completely broken.

The string inside him, connecting him to Nico, is now tearing him apart. What seemed like his lifeline is now the thing that will end him, he's sure of it. The more distance he puts between them, the more painful it becomes, and Marti has to stop at least three times on his way to the train station because going any further feels impossible.

But somehow he does it anyway, pulling himself apart in the process.

 

_____

  


“Sto in Bracciano”

 

That’s it. In a split second Nico’s decision is made. It’s too terrifying, the idea that he is losing his grip on the last piece of thread between Martino and himself.

Staying away from him had been the only way Nico knew how to protect Marti from himself, the only way he knew how to control the way he behaved around him.

But he can’t deny this to himself anymore, he _cannot_. So he ignores his brain’s warnings when it tells him  _You won’t be able to go back after this. You won’t be able to turn this off at all anymore._

 

_____

  


“Try to think clearly about this, Nico.”

Maddalena’s words replay in his mind like a broken record.

“If you really care about him, you’ll let him be.”

 

Nico had forced himself not to react. But after Marti does not reply for four days, he thinks that maybe Maddalena is right.

Maybe he should admit to himself that every memory of Martino came with the bittersweet note of something that wasn't his to have, anyway. A happiness he was only ever meant to steal from. Their moments had always felt a bit like glimpses of a kind of heaven, given to someone who was doomed to stay in hell. But it had been so _easy_ not to think about any of that when they were together.

Maybe it's just right that it all came back now, just to give him a big fat _I told you so._

He feels his heart thumping in his chest and it drives him crazy, because it doesn't obey anything he tells it. And he _knows_ it will never stop wanting what Nico can't give it. It's not fair. It's not fair.

How is he supposed to move on? How is he supposed to let go, knowing what it felt like to slide a hand into Marti's hair and kiss him, knowing what his skin felt like, knowing what his moaning sounded like and how he rutted against Nico in small, languid movements, knowing what loving him and being loved in return _could_ feel like. He doesn't think he can bear it. That’s not a life he wants to live.

So Nico puts up his walls. He _has_ to. He’s not invincible, not as brave as he tries to make people believe. Maybe this is his breaking point, he thinks. All kinds of thoughts stumble around in his head and they’re all screaming for attention. He imagines he can hear voices from everywhere around him, talking to him, or about him, he doesn’t know. It doesn’t matter. Nico sits back and stops listening until all he can hear is a harmless background buzz of the world. He is so, so tired.

 _Isn’t this what they say? If you love something, set it free_. Only, it feels like he's letting parts of himself go, because he can't quite figure out where the pieces of Marti end and his begin.

He thinks maybe he'll give himself away too, so he has nothing left to leave him.

 

_____

 

Marti has the same dream, every night since Milano.

He’s back there, outside their rented loft, wandering around in circles, lost in the middle of the night. He tries to call Nico but no sound comes out. Then it hits him. He realizes that he’s not moving at all, he _can’t_. He wants to, but his body doesn’t listen

 _Why won’t you move? Go, go find him! Don’t just stand here, what are you doing?_ _You’ll lose him!_

Then the ground shifts and the world turns on its head, and there’s Nico. He’s so beautiful it hurts. But his face is oddly expressionless, staring at Marti like one would observe a stranger. And this is where Marti wakes up, every time.

And every time he’s left with the same questions, so loud in his head that he can’t fall back asleep for what feels like hours afterward.

_What if you had insisted to see him?_

_What if you hadn’t left without making sure he’s okay?_

_What if you had gone to him and at least seen for yourself that Maddalena was right?_

  
_____

 

By the time Dr. Spera and the boys have woken him up, made him see that he shouldn’t trust anyone to tell him about Nico’s feelings but Nico himself, Marti’s brain has entered a state of hysteria.

But before he knows it it’s Friday, again, and he feels scared, again, because Nico is _up there_ and Martino doesn’t know what to think anymore.

Making his way up anyway he can, his mind is filled with things he wants to say to Nico, thoughts he wants to send to him in that moment, somehow hoping they will reach him. _I'm sorry I doubted us. I'm sorry that I went away, I should have fought for us from the very start. I should never have believed her. I_ do _trust you. I_ do _believe that you know what you feel, that it’s_ you _I need to hear it from_.

By the time he gets there, his chest is ready to burst. The empty expression of the Nico from his dream comes back in a flash, and for a split second Martino is terrified, realizes he’s not ready for it.

“Ni..” is all he can manage to say, barely breathing.

It takes only a second, maybe two, for those dark eyes to meet his across the balcony. Martino can see a thousand different emotions pass through Nico’s eyes in the measure of a second. God, he loves them all. He is so grateful to see them, even if it pains him that Nico settles for sadness.

Marti doesn’t know how long he can still stand _here_ while Nico is _there_ , doesn’t know if he will survive not touching Nico for much longer. So he begins to close the distance between them. He’s no more than two steps away from Nico when he hears him say “Don’t, please,” putting up a hand in warning.

Marti feels the sound of Nico's deep husky voice zipping up his spine. He aches, absolutely aches with how much he misses him, even though he's standing right there in front of him now.

It hurts to see that Marti’s reaction in the past few days has shaken Nico’s trust in him, in _them_. A trust he always seemed so ready to give to Marti, so eager to share. It hurts to imagine what stories he’s been told by Maddalena, which version has become the one that Nico accepted as truth.

The mere idea that he could believe Marti didn’t want to be with him because of his _impossible personality_ is terrible and Marti is so sorry, wants to shower Nico in I’m sorry’s and I want to be with you so much. But what really kills Martino is the thought that, in the end, he had given Nico the impression that it was easy to leave him.

Nico’s eyes still shine, even in the dark. They never leave his. So Martino is sure that, when he speaks, Nico is really, really listening. His chest trembles when he takes a deep breath before he says it.

"Nico, I am _so_ in love with you.”  

At first, nothing happens at all. Martino can feel that his own words calm him down. They make everything sound so overwhelmingly simple. And maybe it would be, but that’s when he remembers where they are and what he was afraid of just moments before. Immediately he reaches out a hand for Nico to take. “Please..”

He thinks he sees Nico flinch a little, but everything Marti needs to know is in his _eyes_.

And there it is again. The string that pulls him in. It’s like he gravitates more than he walks as he closes the remaining distance between them. He feels Nico take in a sudden breath as Marti wraps his arms around him, sliding one of his hands into the beautiful curls at the nape of his neck, inhaling his scent. How did he survive a whole week without it? Marti’s heart wants to implode when he realizes that Nico doesn’t hesitate at all before he hugs him back.

Nico whispers his name, so quietly, like it’s a secret.

Marti wants him this close forever, resents every molecule of air that fits between them, resents whatever made the universe big enough for more than just the two of them. He doesn't want to ever let go.

 

_____

 

Nico thinks he remembers the rest of the saying now.

_If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever._

 


End file.
